i guess i'm really at my limits already....never have i do a project that makes me so stress that i feel like crying eveytime...the bottle up feeling is just so much like putting gassy drink in fridge...

i just blasted out on the writer today....ytd shoot he din't really do his job, he was like eating, chit chating and drinking ard and totally not looking at the show...he's suppose to brief the host and artist about the game, well the briefing the host become my ep job and briefing artist become my...he brief the contestant but i have no idea what he said to them....but seems that some of them didn't understand what he said....then if i hadn't notice that we din change the product in one of the game, we would had go ahead with the show and it's gone....

and today he call to say he wants to come ke-bo on the contestant in the future eps....i'm so coop up with my things that i mistake one of the contestant as someone he mention....then he go call that someone and realise he's not in and called me back to complain....complain on why i tell him that the person is in when he's not and why i didn't arrange him to be in and why he kept saying that person is good but i didn't place him in and etc....i'm like so piss off with him blaming everything on me and i just flare up.....like f***ing hell...so what if that person is so good and can come, i didn't see his audition at all....if i saw he's audition paper and if it's stated as OK i would have put him in the pile,  if i hadn't means he's in the KIV or OUT pile, most pro the reason why i haven't notice him....and that writer totally didn't tell me that lawrence say he can be in....so i didn't bother looking....now ít's my fault for giving you false hope in saying that he's one of the contestant, but i see wrongly....not that i didn't give chance....is he is not in!!! i seriously have no idea why the hell he is so persistant....i mean yes that person can be very interested in coming for the game, but if he's not choosen the so be it....

if there are contestant who can't speak chinese well it's my fault cos i put them in....f*** lah....lawrence is the one who wrote OK in the paper....i show him all the OK and the KIV people....he was the one who choose them not me....so stop blaming every single thing on me....making like everything is my fault....

why i'm so cranky when talking to writer and EP...cos i'm super piss off with u all!!!!  having a ep that throw everything to me and having an idoit writer that nags on everything and still say he try not to be too naggy...

anyway i really broke down today...tried not to cry in front of ning and all but on the way home i cried under my block...the tears just flow down and i just need to let it out....it's so unbearable...arhhh....

drinking beer now....can't believe i'm down to this stage.....God seriouslly how long more u want me to wait??? i'm at my limits already....

Wow it's been almost 2 mths since i last blog....well in my last blog i mention it's time to decide where to go next...and finally i've decided....

didn't take me long to decide that i wanna go study...but it's taking me quite a while to find what schools to appy to...and that i haven't talk to my boss about my study plans yet either...gonna have to find time to sort out what school i'm going to apply and talk to my boss about the recommendation i need for both the school and scholarship...

well of cos i've also plan out what to do if i don't get into either or both....i'll try out esplanade SMPT...and if that doesn't work either i've also decided i'll be leaving that place...it's a matter of time...and i guess next year will be the end...i've thought of going for summer school to study as well, after that just stay in the country and find a job then apply for work visa and stuff...but of cos i also thought of the cross road i might face at that time...but i'll worry about that when it comes...for now i need to settle the schools...sighz....

it''s been quite tough lately...too much emotions bottle up i'm like a water volcano....water can flow any sec i want...damn scary....i guess this project is really the last straw....it's not really the job but the people that i work with...some of them is just so hard to work with....the rest are pretty nice...but the company ain't that great either...i hate the part where they talk about $$ every where...and keep saying lack of $$ for every project....it sux when u work on  a project and u want so many things but there no $$ to achieve it...

i know that if i were doing production i will be facing the same problem...cos in production there's not much $$ either...but at least that's sth i enjoy i guess...and i guess no matter what job you will meet people you can't work with but if you still enjoy what you are doing i think it wouldn't be as hard....now i just feel that i don't like both....

it's not that i don't like tv production...tv production can be fun in some way...what i don't like is the working style and certain brainless program...like the one i'm doing now...no one watch this show...it's crap...seriouslly i mean it...can't believe i'm saying it out loud....come to think of it this is the one and only most troublesome brainless program...anyway as seen from my many blogs in the past....too much bitching of a job don't carry one very far...so yupz decision made....

as i mention about the schools, i haven't really made the decision of whether to take just film and television or find a school that have drama/theater in it...i want to do a bit of animation too...it's like combining so many different things together...but i wish that one day i can film my own drama...idol drama....or short film....it'll be nice...even commericals...thinking too far....i need to focus....